


memory

by levitate



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Broadway, Dancing, F/F, Gender Dysphoria, M/M, New York, Nonbinary Character, Strangers to Lovers, Theater - Freeform, Trans Character, selective mutism
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-18
Updated: 2019-02-26
Packaged: 2019-10-31 02:29:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17840675
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/levitate/pseuds/levitate
Summary: she sings to an empty theater.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> JENBY JENBY JENBY  
> there's gonna be three chapters for this one. ill probably post the next one tomorrow? or next week shrug emoji  
> all lyrics belong to andrew lloyd webber please dont sue me  
> tw for gender dysphoria please stay safe <3

she sings to an empty theater.

the words are indiscernible. it’s almost as if she has created an entirely new language out of the quiet breaths in between phrases, and the imaginary orchestra in her head.

they enter the room silently, soaked with rainwater that pours down outside and makes soft tapping sounds on the small window.

they watch.

 

jenna is fourteen years old, and her best friend tyler takes her to a community theater production of wicked. tyler watches normally. he has been here before. in better places than these, in the large magnificent theaters that make up the most famous street in new york city. jenna has never seen a musical before in any theater, and she watches with the wonder of a small child, smiling and crying and tapping along.

 

they make attempts at talking sometimes, but nothing comes out of their throat.

in their dreams, their voice is deep and raw, tinged with a californian accent because you can do anything in california, like legally change your gender on your driver’s license to read “non-binary.”

but sometimes their voice is high-pitched and silky, and they wear long, glittery dresses and walk red carpets and hold hands with a pretty girl who doesn’t care that they can’t talk.

they don’t know what they are. they don’t even know their name.

 

when jenna turns sixteen, she is sitting on tyler’s front porch, playing the wicked soundtrack out of tyler’s tiny speaker.

“i can’t believe,” she says, doodling a cartoon character in her notebook, “that i’m sixteen and i haven’t kissed anyone.”

“harder for me, cause i like boys,” says tyler, laughing, “and i have the wrong body parts.”

jenna says, “there’s a problem. i don’t even know if i like boys.”

tyler turns his head to face her. “you know, like, i support you in every single way, right? you can tell me what’s up.”

jenna pauses, drawing a single tattoo on her cartoon character’s neck. it’s of a dragon.

“if i ask you a weird question, do you promise not to judge me?” jenna finally responds.

“yeah, dude,” says tyler, voice laced with concern. “i’m your best friend. bros for life, or whatever.”

she smiles and puts down the pencil.

“can i kiss you? like, in a we-are-just-friends-and-i-am-having-a-sexuality-crisis-that-i-need-to-sort-out kind of way?”

tyler laughs. “sure.”

they kiss for a grand total of two seconds before jenna is pulling away.

“okay, nothing personal,” she says, “but i think i like everyone except for boys.”

“fantastic,” tyler replies, and goes back to singing along with the wicked soundtrack.

 

there is a large “M” on their driver’s license that they hate with every fiber of their being.

they do not know their name. their name on the driver’s license is like a vile taste in the back of their throat.

when they were little, they used to take classes at a small dance studio a few blocks from their house. it was a certain kind of escape where no one cared if you talked. they only cared about how you moved.

dance starts with a d. they want their name to start with one also.

but that is all they know.

 

she starts singing, in the crevices of her room, at midnight when the rain falls freely, in the shadows of the school’s stage when she is not supposed to.

she is too afraid to sing in english, so she takes to indiscernible words that hang in the air with uncertainty instead of flying freely over the clouds outside.

almost immediately, it becomes a part of her. and then it becomes her.

 

when they are called a boy, it feels wrong. when they call themself a girl, it feels wrong.

one day, they stumble upon the term non-binary, and it feels okay.

and then they stumble upon the term pansexual, and it feels even better.

they start to dance again.

 

she knows her friends’ futures. tyler is going, full ride, to juilliard, and he’s going to be a dancer and live in new york and probably get a cool boyfriend and get married and have kids and be a backing dancer for beyoncé because he is really fucking good. mark is going to film school and is going to be the next george lucas or something, and josh is not going to college and instead is drumming for a rock band that has its first international tour in two months.

she didn’t apply to any colleges. she feels like dead weight more and more with each passing day.

“jenna,” tyler says one day. “you look sad.”

“i’m tired,” she says.

“okay,” tyler says, “come to new york with me.”

“what the fuck,” she responds.

“c’mon, dude,” he says, “gay roomies! i go to college, you get a job and figure out what the fuck you’re gonna do with your life. it’s a win-win situation. also, i hate seeing you like this. it makes me sad.”

she agrees. what else is there to do?

 

they get good enough at dancing to get a job in new york. it’s an off-broadway play, but they get to be one of the main dancers, and they don’t have to say a line. the stage manager gives no shits when they write out their pronouns on a piece of paper. “all i care about,” he says, “is that you can do a seven-turn pirouette and not fall.”

_ easy _ , they write.

they start growing their hair out.

they’re closer to knowing their name.

 

“jennaaaaaaa,” tyler calls out, as he walks through the door of their small apartment.

jenna grunts, and pauses the netflix show she’s watching on the couch.

he shoves a flyer in front of her face.

“auditions,” he says. “i’m gonna try out to be a main dancer, and  _ you _ ,” he points to the top of the flyer, “are trying out for the lead.”

“tyler, you know i—”

“nope,” he says. “you are going. no excuses. you’re throwing away your life and i am not going to stand by and watch.”

“but you  _ are _ going to watch umbrella academy with me.”

“yeah,” he says, “yeah, i am.”

 

they can audition with whatever song they want, but jenna assumes that they want a song in english, so she asks tyler.

“deadass, go on stage and sing lady gaga.”

jenna laughs.

“you know i’m kidding, but, um. sing something that means something to you. but if you don’t sing broadway, i am going to kick your ass.”

“i’ll sing broadway,” she promises.

she starts practicing in the crevices of her room.

 

one of the dancers breaks a leg and moves away to los angeles. the stage manager has deemed them the best main dancer, and asks them personally to be a judge for open auditions to find a new dancer.

the stage manager also says, “fuck it,” and decides to have acting auditions a month early. he wants them to stick around for that, too, for whatever reason.

he also starts flirting with them. they don’t inform him that they have no interest in him. they need this job.

 

jenna walks on to the stage and notices immediately that there are two judges. one has dark skin, a blue snapback, and a fucking pokemon shirt, and the other has a button that reads “they/them,” has shoulder-length auburn hair, and is wearing a yellow sundress.

jenna takes a deep breath, says her name, and sings.

“ _ midnight, not a sound from the pavement… _ ”

they’re on the last episode of umbrella academy when jenna gets the call.

“i got the part,” she tells tyler, who’s eating popcorn out of a large bowl.

“oh my fucking god,  _ dude _ !” he gets up to wrap his arms around her. “this is huge, wow, jenna!”

and then he’s crying. “i  _ knew _ ,” he says, wrapping his arms around her tighter, “i knew you had something special, and you were just so…”

“tyler,” she says, “oh my god, don’t cry.”

“i’m sorry, oh my god, i’m sorry, but…  _ dude _ ! you got the part!”

“yeah,” she says. “i… i did.”

she smiles.

 

they have dreams.

“midnight, not a sound from the pavement.”

they’re in a theater, crying. their dream voice is low, low, deeper than the sea.

“has the moon lost her memory?”

it’s high, it’s fluttering like the birds outside their apartment window, and they are wearing a long dress, landing on mars.

“she is smiling alone.”

there is a girl there, with long, long, hair, the ends a faded blue. they find themself kissing the girl, winding their arms around her neck.

“in the lamplight, the withered leaves collect at my feet.”

they know their name.

“and the wind begins to moan.”

 

she sings in an empty theater.

they enter silently.

they watch.

she steps down from the stage almost immediately. “i’m so sorry,” she says hurriedly. “i just, i—”

they shrug. they walk up to her, and they write,  _ i’m not supposed to be here either _ .

“what’s your name?”

tired eyes, the dancer tries to breathe. the girl from their dream raises an eyebrow.

they write,  _ debby . _


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is for sera! happy friendiversary i love u  
> tw again for gender dysphoria please stay safe <3

debby is six, and can only talk to their mom.

“buddy,” their mom says sweetly, thinking debby is her son, “why don’t you want to go to school?”

there is a catch in their throat.

“i,” they try, “i-i-i can’t spea, speak, speak, s-speak in… in c-class.”

“why, buddy?”

debby cries.

later that day, they hear their parents arguing downstairs. they hear “selective mutism,” “speech therapy,” “special needs,” “son,” “he,” “his,” and a name that doesn’t feel right in their throat.

debby could cry again. they work on a pirouette instead.

 

jenna recognizes debby. they were the person who was one of the judges at auditions, the one with the sundress. they look different now, with a blazer and their hair tied up in a bun.

she introduces herself again anyway, nervously tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

debby smiles. they start writing again, and jenna notices that they have warm brown eyes that remind her of the quiet happiness of her childhood home.

_ yeah i know who you are. your audition was really great. you have a lovely voice.  _ there’s a small smiley face at the end.

jenna feels herself blushing. “oh, um, thank you,” she says, while debby begins to write again.

_ would you ever want to get a cup of coffee sometime? _

 

“josh is coming to new york next week,” tyler says with a grin as he enters their apartment.

jenna pauses stranger things. “are you fucking serious?”

“yeah!” tyler says. “their band has like a big meeting or something, and like a shoot? i don’t know. but they’ll be here for a week.”

“wow,” jenna says. “i can’t wait to see them, i miss josh so much.” she pauses. “actually, i have something i wanna talk to you about?”

“sure. what’s up?” tyler sits on the couch and opens a bag of chips.

“okay, so, uh. i met someone, and they asked me out and we’re going for coffee and i don’t know what to do.”

“oh my god. jenna, oh my god. can’t believe you got a date before i did. homophobia at its finest.”

“we’re both gay.”

“you make a good point.”

 

debby feels an intense sense of uselessness. it comes with not knowing what to do with their body in an industry built on your body. it comes with the problem of the wrong name and gender on their driver’s license.

and, you know, they can’t speak.

debby read a book once, a love story that was supposed to be  _ poetic _ and  _ inspiring _ but instead just gave debby a stomach ache. a line from it says  _ who are humans without their words? _

debby doesn’t have words to say. are they human?

 

they go out for coffee.

jenna, the girl with long, long hair, the ends a faded blue, does not ask them about their pronouns. she does not wonder about their body parts. she doesn't care that debby writes down everything they want to say. they talk about the show, about their favorite things to watch on netflix, about good books.

are they human? jenna thinks they are.

debby smiles.

 

when jenna is thirteen, she imagines kissing girls.

she likes it, and she hates herself for liking it.

she cries. she doesn't know who she is.

jenna sings.

 

debby walks her back to her and tyler’s apartment.

“that was really fun,” jenna says with a smile. “we should… do it again sometime.”

debby nods with a smile before hesitantly tilting their head up and kissing jenna’s cheek. they linger after, and their eyelashes brush against her cheek like butterflies.

it feels lovely. debby’s lips are against her skin, and jenna thinks that if the world swallowed her up, she wouldn’t notice.

jenna bites her lip and slowly winds her arms around debby’s neck. debby smiles with a soft blush, and jenna surges forward. their lips brush in a soft peck, and it isn’t very long before jenna is leaning in again to catch their lips in a proper kiss, running her fingers through debby’s hair as debby lets their hands brush the sides of jenna’s waist.

jenna feels safe.

debby pulls away so they can write. their cheeks are still a soft shade of pink, and jenna yearns to kiss them again.

they rip the corner of the page off. on it is a phone number. jenna stares at the paper for a moment before smiling and pocketing it.

as soon as jenna removes her hands from her pockets, debby is taking both of them, going on their tiptoes, and kissing jenna one last time.

they wave as they walk down the hall, and jenna waits until they are out of sight before walking into her and tyler’s apartment.

 

debby plays a broadway playlist through their small bluetooth speaker and dances all night to the sounds of singing and midnight rain.

they’re okay.

 

the doorbell rings the next day, and when jenna opens the door, josh is standing there. jenna’s eyes quickly flick over to the gray and pink bracelets on josh’s wrist before enveloping josh in a soft, warm hug.

“i missed you,” they mumble as jenna pulls away. josh clutches a tiny teddy bear, and when jenna gives it a questioning look, they say, “for tyler.”

jenna understands. she smiles and lets them in.

jenna, josh, and tyler play mario kart all night. in the middle of a match at moo moo meadows, tyler lets it slip that jenna is going out with someone.

josh drives their yoshi into an unsuspecting cartoon cow. “you’re  _ dating someone _ and you didn’t  _ tell me?” _ they ask with wide eyes.

“we’ve only been on one date. nothing is, like, set in stone,” jenna says, rolling her eyes. she furrows her eyebrows in concentration before using a mushroom to pass tyler’s bowser with her princess peach. as she finishes in first place, tyler screams with rage and josh’s yoshi continues to bump into unsuspecting cartoon cows. she feels like tyler and josh are her family.

 

they go on a couple more dates. they kiss a little more. they kiss a lot more. debby always drops jenna off at her apartment and kisses her goodbye. it’s safe.

debby is at rehearsal when their stage manager asks them out.

they freeze.

they take a deep breath before writing,  _ i’m sorry i have a girlfriend. _

their stage manager’s expression turns hostile for a split second before he is smiling and apologizing.

_ are you my girlfriend? _ debby asks jenna over text that night.

_ do u want me to be _

_ yeah _

_ then yh im ur girlfriend :D <3 _

_ awesome _

 

josh is wearing a blue bracelet when he tells jenna, “i kissed tyler last night.”

“oh my god,” jenna says, pausing her episode of house hunters. “wait, shit, sit down and give me all the goddamn details, dude.”

josh rolls his eyes and smiles. “sure.” and he does.

 

_ im bored _ , debby texts jenna.

_ wanna come over? no one else is here _

_ of course :) ill be there in ten? _

_ yeah that’s great! _

_ <3 _

ten minutes later, debby is next to jenna on the couch and is watching as jenna puts on a random sitcom. debby wrings their hands in their lap nervously.

two minutes into the episode, jenna notices, and says softly, “c’mere, babe.”

debby feels their face heating up at casual use of the pet name, but falls into jenna’s outstretched arms with a soft sigh.

jenna pokes their cheek. “cutie.”

debby gets out a memo pad and writes,  _ shut up. _

“make me,” jenna teases, as if she’s a child on the playground playing a silly game.

debby turns around slowly, cups jenna’s cheeks with both of their hands, and kisses her tenderly.

jenna sighs. debby peppers kisses down her throat in response.

“you feel so nice,” jenna mumbles.

“mmm.” debby curls into jenna’s chest again as they pull away.

_ i like you a lot _ , debby writes.

jenna reads over their shoulder. “strange coincidence,” she says teasingly, “cause i like you a lot too.”

_ good _ , debby writes, and falls asleep in jenna’s arms.

 

josh leaves two days later, but not before making jenna witness a very, very public display of affection between them and tyler. jenna jokingly scrunches up her face. she feels like tyler and josh are her family.

 

they’re okay.

they’re not.

their deadname is on their driver’s license, and there’s something holding them back from changing it.

maybe they just aren’t ready. but they are.

then it clicks: they’re not even out to their parents.

debby is standing on an imaginary stage. they spin, they sing, they try.

a dark cloud appears above their head, and they falter.

they fall.

 

one night, they feel especially empty, so they go out.

at the bar, a girl walks up to them with a seductive smile.

they say nothing. she kisses them.

they don’t stop her. they say nothing.

 

jenna walks up to debby at rehearsal, and debby feels like they’re going to throw up.

they make small conversation before jenna is called to the stage. she kisses debby’s cheek before she leaves.

they have to tell her. they don’t know how.

 

they meet tyler on a monday evening. he walks in on debby and jenna watching umbrella academy, debby’s head on jenna’s shoulder.

he smirks and snaps a quick picture before leaping onto the couch. “you two sure are cozy over there.”

debby blushes. tyler introduces himself.

“i’m the gay roommate, my dear,” he says with a false british accent. debby laughs.

_ you have a good taste in roommates _ , they write to jenna.

jenna smiles, and they continue watching umbrella academy.

in the middle of an episode, jenna pauses to go to the bathroom. debby watches as tyler scrolls through tumblr on his phone. when he stops at a trans positivity post, debby takes a deep breath and writes,  _ im trans too _ .

“yeah,” tyler says with a smile. “i’m actually- don’t tell jenna, but i’m working to change my legal name. i was filling out papers all last night, and i’m going to turn in all the documents tomorrow. but i want it to be a surprise.”

debby feels warmth in their chest. they pick up their pencil.

they’ve needed this for a long time.

they write,  _ can i come with you? _

**Author's Note:**

> love you guys.  
> @gojngdown on tumblr :)


End file.
